on March 1, 2020
Yes, you read that right: I am officially returning! Please read here to find out why I was AWOL for the past few months.
What happened?
Well, to keep it short, my business croaked, and I lost hundreds of thousand dollars I’ve invested throughout the past five to ten years. I fell into deep debt and nearly killed myself by accident last December when going out partying with my new colleagues. Liquor and antidepressant do not mix, kids!
As you can imagine, this all left quite the mark on me. I struggled day after day to get up and go to work at my new job. I try not to be negative about it, but I’m not always successful. My job is dreary and boring, the atmosphere at the office is very loud, infuriatingly tense and extremely superficial. I produce ultimate crap on a daily basis, and it crushes my motivation and creativity for other things.
Honestly, it all looked so bleak, and still does on some particular bad days. I tried to get myself up again, as I did time and time again in the past few years. But I wasn’t able to. Every fiber in my body refused to get up on that wretched horse one more time. Each endeavor I tried to tackle failed miserably right at the start. My life was in shambles and I didn’t know where to begin to get it back on track.
How am I doing now?
Truthfully? I’m still in a somewhat bad place. I struggle with regrets and resentment on a daily basis. But I miss being on the interwebs, sketching things people can appreciate and not creating animations for corporate asshats and editing videos for my wanna-be influencer boss. I never wanted to go AWOL on Quazar. and trust me when I say I tried to return, several times. One time was around December 2019, when I wanted to do the Advent calendar Request Time. Unfortunately, my brush with death by alcohol and medication poisoning messed that up big time.
The second instance I tried to come back by the beginning of 2020 – you know, starting fresh and all that jazz. Again, the plan was foiled by my clinical depression. Warning for the faint of heart: I was suicidal. I’m sorry if it upsets anyone, but it’s the truth. See, the whole company thing was a lifelong dream I had, that turned sour and gradually twisted into a living nightmare, day in and out.
My doctor prescribed more medication, and it actually helped a little bit with sleeping and eating regularly. And although I still have some really dark days now and then, I’m not in the self-harming mindset anymore.
I started to help out at an animal shelter in my free time, and it has done wonders. It keeps my mind calm. Caring for these abandoned pets gives me a newfound purpose in life. The work has grounded me since starting there two months ago. I actually feel good again after a hard day of cleaning up an ungodly amount of poop and feeding all kinds of different critters. Some of them have had a terrible life themselves, up to the point where they’ve been surrendered to the shelter. It’s heart-breaking, but also gives me hope: there’s always someone who will treat you with much care and love, no matter how aggressive and broken you are. Someone who doesn’t take those bites personally and still treats you with respect. And in time you just might regain trust and maybe even some sense of self-worth.
Will I disappear again?
I really hope not, I’m certainly not planning to. I’m here to stay, and I’d like to think that the past months were some sort of sabbatical, or whatever the new-age yuppies nowadays call it. I will need time to adjust and tidy the mess I left behind, starting with answering those emails and messages from all of you.
So, how does my schedule look like now?
Truth be told, I actually didn’t think I would be able return today. But I realized, that if I didn’t just jump right back into it, I’ll maybe never be able to do it, ever.
It’ll take a little while, but I will start to post sketches soon to get myself back into illustrating, even if they will probably be very awkward and wonky. I will also continue and/or finish outstanding commissions many of you are still waiting for. If you’re fed up with my antics, I will of course reimburse you.
I plan to eventually be able to instate a schedule again, although my productivity has slowed down considerably by the past events. My lines are jittery, and my hand gets very shaky after a short time – illustrating takes a lot out of me, energy- and concentration-wise. With this and my trusty laptop slowly dying, I guess it’ll take a few weeks to get back to a normal-ish situation where I can confidently promise regular updates.
I also have to sift through the mess that accumulated in the past months and tackle each platform one by one. Get used to deviantArt again and pick up where I left off on my own websites.
How can you get into contact with me?
You can reach me at hello@quazar.space. I ask you to be patient with me as I try to answer within a week. Please understand that I have to funnel communications into one channel, as I can’t get back to you by answering notes on DA or chat with you on Discord (yet). I hope to sort that out in the future, too, but for the time being, emailing me is the best way to reach out to me.